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Buckle yer celebrity real estate safety belts, butter beans, because famously property fickle Ellen Degeneres and wife Portia de Rossi are at it again. According to gossip juggernaut TMZ_ the acquired a $26.5 million dollar estate in the exceptionally prosperous California seaside enclave of Montecito. What _TMZ_ did not reveal is that the high-maintenance estate with its exceptional, stone built 1929 Italianate villa was previously owned by legendary decorator John Saladino. Your Mama discussed the elegant spread back in August 2010 when Mister Saladino first heaved the two pacel property—which he called his "opus"—on the open market with an asking price of $24,500,000. Property records show Mister Saladino sold the 13-plus acre, two-parcel property in March 2012 at a steep discount off asking for $16,500,000 to American-born and New Zealand-based corporate businessman Tom Sturgess and his wife Heather. The Sturgesses sold the house and its 9.9 acre parcel to a trust connected to Missus Degeneres and de Rossi but—as of this instant—we havent yet uncovered a recorded sale price. A second, 3.18 acre lot that Mister Saladino sold to Mister and Missus Sturgess does not appear, according to the property record data bases we accessed, to have been transferred to the Missus Degeneres and de Rossi.* Listing details from 2010 up show the 13 acre ocean view estate includes a completely updated and upgraded 10,522 square foot main house with six bedrooms, six full and two half bathrooms and nine fireplaces. The mansion oozes with earthy Tuscan character thats juxtaposed against sleek and modern, bathrooms, kitchen and laundry facilities. Numerous loggias and terraces extend the indoors to the out and the extensive, painstakingly groomed grounds include a swimming pool set into a flat lawn with a long view over the tree tops and mansions to the Pacific Ocean. This is not, as avid celebrity real estate watchers well know, the Missus Degeneres-deRossis first home in Montecito. In early 2006 they paid $15,750,000 for a downright impeccable George Washington Smith designed estate that—as theyre prone to do—they flipped back on the market less than a year later for $24,000,000. They sold the property in November 2007 for $20,000,000 to multi-billionaire Eric Schmidt, currently the executive chairman of Google. The Missus Degeneres-de Rossis property portfolio currently includes—but may not be limited to—an iconic mid-century modern in the Trousdale Estates section of Beverly Hills and a 26-acre, multi-residence equestrian ranch near Thousand Oaks, CA that theyve had on and off the market for years. Miz Degeneres and Miz de Rossi have bought and sold a slew of properties including—but not limited to—a couple of ranches in the Santa Ynez Valley and a bluff-top beach house in Malibu they bought from Brad Pitt and quickly flipped for a million more than they paid. And, of course, they compiled the multi-residence compound above Coldwater Canyon in Beverly Hills that they sold at a staggering multi-million dollar loss last year for $39,500,000 to Ryan Seacrest. NOTE TO THE CHILDREN: Listing photos here show the house as it was gussied up by Mister Saladino. Its not known—not to Your Mama, anyways—if Mister and Missus Sturgess purchased and/or retained Mister Saladinos decorating handiwork. *That does not mean the Missus Degeneres and de Rossi did not also buy the smaller 3.18 parcel. It could be that the transfer records simply have not been recoreded. Or it could mean Mister and Missus Sturgess opted to keep it or sell it separately. Time will tell... listing photos: Village Properties

Somehow Your Mama missed all the hullaballo and brouhaha about legally embattled bazillionaire Rupert Murdoch revealing via his Twitter feed that hed snatched up Moraga Vineyards in the uppity L.A. community of Bel Air, one of the few commercial vineyards in the City of Los Angeles. Its not yet been revealed how much Mister Murdoch paid for the spread that was last listed for $29.5 millon. The octogenarian media tycoon reportedly became interested in the vineyard estate that sprawls over rolling hillsides in the heart of an affluent enclave after reading about it in the _Wall Street Journal_, which, of course, he owns. As was noted in Mister Murdochs tweet, the approximately 16-acre estate and its 13-ish acres of grapevines has been owned since 1959 by Tom Jones. No, children, not the famously hirsute Welsh singer Tom Jones but rather the much more staid aeronautical engineer Tom Jones who, until the late 1980s, was the CEO of aircraft manufacturer Northrop Corporation for 30 years. The vineyard property occupies a former horse ranch once owned by Victor Fleming, the stuntman turned Oscar winning director of _Gone with the Wind_ and _The Wizard of Oz_. Although the gated estate includes a roomy 7,724 square foot single story residence with three bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms, plus an additional two bedroom guest house and 4,400 square foot office building, it seems highly unlikely Mister Murdoch and his much younger, wickedly smart and fearsomely feisty wife Wendi Deng will move in since they already own an even more spectacular, horseshoe-shaped Wallace Neff-designed hacienda style mansion perched on a snaking ridge line high above Beverly Hills. listing photos: Surterre Properties

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As was first revealed this week by the long-legged blond at Trulia Luxe Living_, sitcom star and comedic wunderkind Mindy Kaling (_The Mindy Project, The Office_) coughed up $1.695 for a hardcore fixer upper on a winding cul-de-sac in the so-called Bird Streets hood above L.A.s famed Sunset Strip. Listing details we dug up on the internets show the property has "significant upside potential" and is blessed with birds eye view all the way to—and on a clear day beyond—the small knot of sky scrapers that comprise Century City. Listing details show the existing two-story residence has three bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms jam-packed in to a modest 1,599 square feet. Even more notable then the house—Your Mama has to assume Miss Kaling will significantly alter and expand if not entirely replace with something more suitably luxurious for a celebrity of her station—is the heart racing and glutially murderous amount of stairs required to get from the street level driveway and garage to the house itself thats perched high, high, _high_ up a seriously steep hillside. Miz Kaling continues to own a restored Spanish Revival bungalow with four bedrooms and three bathrooms near The Grove and Farmers Market that property records show she picked up in 2007 for $1.575 million. listing photos: Nicholas Property Group

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Last June Your Mama discussed an architecturally pedigreed contemporary residence in the star-studded Outpost Estates_ neighborhood in Los Angeles owned by seven-time Emmy nominated actor Michael C. Hall (_Dexter, Six Feet Under_) and then listed on the open market for $1,995,000. The red-bearded star of stage and screen sold the four bedroom and four bathroom house in August (2012) for $1,837,500, according to property records, to globe-trotting British supper club queen Tamsin Lonsdale. This week word slipped down the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Mister Hall shelled out $3,825,000 for an fully rehabbed two story 1923 Spanish Colonial casa in the celebrity friendly Los Feliz area of Los Angeles.* Listing details show the main house has four en suite bedrooms (plus a staff room) and six bathrooms. A separate, detached guesthouse provides at least one more bedroom, a living room and a bathroom. Other creature comforts of the walled and gated mini-estate include spacious living and dining rooms, a high quality center island kitchen with adjoining eating and lounge areas, and a state-of-the-art media room with fireplace that appears to be in the basement. The .35 acre spread offers numerous outdoor lounging areas both in the front and in the back plus a swimming pool and a recently constructed over-sized two car garage at the tail end of a long concrete driveway. *Mister Halls new house happens to be almost directly across the street from the double-gated mini-estate hospital drama queen Kate Walsh recently put (back) on the market two weeks ago for $4,750,000 and already has in escrow with an as-yet unidentified buyer. listing photos: Everett Fenton Gidley for Sothebys International Realty

More than a month ago, based on intel from a few of our better-connected informants, Your Mama tattled to the children that international bubble gum pop superstar Katy Perry was fixin to drop a serious wad of sawbucks to create a multi-residence celebrity-style compound high atop Runyon Canyon in the Hollywood Hills. Thanks to the ever-vigilant Yolanda Yakketyak its come to Your Mamas attention that property records now indicate Miz Perry—by way of a generically named trust—paid a hair straightening $11.2 million for the two properties that combined have two houses on three separate but adjoining parcels that total 3.95 acres. Property records reveal Miz Perry paid exactly $3,000,000 for the two-parcel property that includes an organically sleek single-story contemporary on 1.62 mostly au naturel acres with an only-in-Tinseltown provenance. Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaals (now acrimoniously divorced) parents Stephen Gyllenhaal and Naomi Foner sold the house in 2009 to drummer/band leader Max Weinberg who flipped the gated two-parcel spread in January 2011. The buyer who paid $2.95 million was American oil heiress Aileen Getty who already owned the 2.33 acre spread next door that property records show she sold to Miz Perry for $8.2 million. Like the Gyllenhaal/Weinberg residence, Miz Gettys house was not listed on the open market and also has an interesting provenance. Our research shows Miz Getty bought the property in April 2004 for $3.54 million from occasional film producer and Wal-Mart heiress Sybil Robson Orr. As best as we can tell from various digitally accessible resources the Robson Orr/Getty spread includes a nearly 4,000 square foot mock-Med main house, a semi-detached poolside guesthouse/cabana, and some sort of barn/equestrian facility. Vast stone terraces extend the living to the outdoors in classic California fashion and surround a slightly elevated swimming pool. Terraced gardens planted with fruit trees and laced with pathways make maximum use of the steep slope below the house. Although the nine-time Grammy nominated singer unloaded a quirky downtown New York City duplex penthouse at a small loss last spring (2012) she still owns _Park Hill_, the nearly three acre Laurel Canyon estate she and ex-husband Russell Brand bought in mid-2011 for $6.5 million but never actually moved in to. Mister Brand reportedly granted Miss Perry full ownership of the historic estate in their divorce and after she unsuccessfully attempted to sell the multi-structure compound off market earlier in the year finally pushed the property on the open market in early April (2013) with an asking price of $6,925,000.

SELLERS: Drew Barrymore (and Will Kopelman) LOCATION: Montecito, CA PRICE: $7,500,000 SIZE: 6,258 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: _Everybody_ knows when celebrities and other financially fortunate sorts get married, divorced, have a baby or change their damn underwear they typically trade in one perfectly good house for a new one deemed better and more suitable to their new circumstances. Hence, Drew Barrymore—married just a year ago and the mother of an 8 or 9 month old baby girl—has hoisted her low-key hideaway in the monied community of Montecito, CA on the market with a $7,500,000 asking price. The Hollywood royal purchased the property in early June 2010 for $5,705,000, long before before she hooked up with her handsome third husband and baby daddy, art consultant Will Kopelman. The quirky and savvy couple were married on the property in June 2012 in a traditional Jewish ceremony attended by a slew of celebrity guests including Cameron Diaz, Busy Phillipps, Jimmy Fallon, Reese Witherspoon and Scarlett Johansson. The then-preggers bride and the groom both wore Chanel, but thats really neither here not there in terms of the real estate matter at hand, is it?* Remote-controlled gates swing open to a gravel driveway. Imagine, children, the welcoming crunch of that gravel under the tires of a luxury automobile after a hectic, traffic-choked two hour drive up the 101 from Los Angeles. Heaven. Anyways, a wide circular drive wraps itself around a stately old tree in front of the multi-winged main house where a humble red brick apron stretches out in front of the front door. The traditional, vaguely Monterey Colonial was designed by Santa Barbara architect Chester Carjola and built in 1937, according to listing details, and is currently configured with six bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms in a spacious but manageable 6,258 square feet. The front entrance hall is certainly large enough to greet guests comfortably but small enough to do away with the stuffy formality and in-your-face grandiosity of an unnecessarily capacious foyer like those too often found in the mortifyingly steroidal faux-Tuscan and mock-Med macmansions built in upscale gated suburbs in every corner of the country. Double doors connect through to an elegantly proportioned and fully paneled formal living room with dark-stained wood floors, a large fireplace, and deep set French doors with original wood shutters. Built-in bookcases on either end of the long room appear to be filled with actual books and other interesting looking knickknacks and paddy whacks that Your Mama could easily spend an afternoon perusing quietly. Miz Barrymore and Mister Kopelmen have sparely but boldly furnished the room with little more than a few armchairs around the perimeter, a cream colored baby grand piano in the corner, and grouped in front of the fireplace a pair of gusty, psychedelic print sofas set on a neutral toned and decoratively au courant Moroccan Beni Ourain carpet. The dark wood floors extend into the adjacent library that is also fully wood paneled and also has a fireplace and built-in bookcases filled with more books and _objet_. On the floor there are two well-worn zebra hide rugs and, in a sun lit corner, an antique-looking chess table. Wed presume that this is the room where Mister and Missus Kopeman watch the boob-toob but we sort of imagine theyre the sort of people who dont watch—or even own—a television. Then again, what do we know? Maybe theyre avid fans of _Preachers Daughter_ and never miss a ballistically tawdry episode. The long, dinner party-sized formal dining has over-sized multi-pane windows with long views over the backyards vast rolling lawn and white wainscoting topped by celadon colored walls. An Old School antique chandelier glimmers above the table and, for some inexplicable reason, there are a whole bunch of fluffy sheep skin pelts scattered haphazardly around the room. Wood and glass doors in the library and the dining room open into a bowling alley length sun porch that spills out to a large, sunken red brick terrace. At the time Miz Barrymore acquired the property this sun porch had red brick flooring that was, as per listing photographs, switched out for wide plank wood painted gleaming white. Depending on ones point of view the kitchen is either loaded with vintage charm or a hot damn mess in desperate need of a redo. A Subaru-sized center island girdled by eight (or more) bent wood stools has a sunshine yellow counter top that just about but not quite matches the rather unusual yellow and white checkerboard linoleum flooring while the white cabinetry that runs around the room has heavily shellacked dark wood counter tops. Whatever one may think of the rooms decorative style, listing information indicates the kitchen is supremely equipped for large parties with two vintage-style refrigerators (that for some reason are not the same color), two dishwashers and an identical pair of heavy duty commercial-style ranges. The kitchen complex also includes a separate breakfast room, a roomy butlers pantry, and laundry room according to online marketing materials.

A long gallery lined with built-in cabinets and an compact office nook lead to the secluded master suite where a cozy corner fireplace warms the fully carpeted bedroom. In addition to an attached bathroom with separate tub and stall shower the master suite offers its well-heeled home owners the sublime luxury of two large closet/dressing rooms. A total of five guest and family bedrooms are contained in two separate wings of the main house. Two upstairs en suite bedrooms each have French doors that open to Juliet balconies and three more bedrooms, each with private bathroom, are grouped on the ground floor in a separate wing off the breakfast room. A detached, two story guest house has a bedroom, bathroom and studio space on the upper level and, down below, a two car garage/storage space. Listing photos show the garage area is done up as a kind of half-assed arty-farty man-cave with a quartet of surf boards leaning up against the wall, an old timey soda dispenser, a bevy of bicycles and a mish-mosh of furniture that all looks like it was all dragged out of Grandmas attic. Theres also a separate four car garage. Rose beds and fruit trees surround the main house and outbuildings and mature trees ring the 2.03 acre estate that has a back lawn the size of a football field. As far as Your Mama knows there is neither a swimming pool nor a tennis court on the property and for seven and some million clams for a swank spread in Montecito, hunnies, Your Mama wants a swimming pool and a damn tennis court, too. Since 2002, Miz Barrymores primary residence has been a gated mini-compound perched atop a private promontory on a quiet cul-de-sac in the Hollywood Hills that she picked up in April 2002 for $4,350,000. Your Mama knows at least one person who has been inside Miz Barrymores Hollywood Hill house and we hear its rather spectacular. Some of her nearby neighbors include doctor turned medical thriller author Vladimir Lange and _Nashville_ actress Hayden Panetierre. Right about the time they were married Mister Kopelman sold his sleek and modern two bedroom and two bathroom art-filled West Hollywood bachelor pad condo for $885,000. He previously had the place photographed for _Elle Decor_. *Natch because the grooms father, Arie Kopelman, is a former CEO and chairman of Chanel. Missus Kopelman—that would be Wills mother—is named Corinne but she goes by Coco. You cant make that shit up, puppies. Anyhoo... listing photos: Sothebys International Realty

SELLER: John Rudey LOCATION: Greenwich, CT PRICE: $190,000,000 SIZE: 13,519 square feet, 12 bedrooms, 7 full and 2 half bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Buckle your real estate safety belts, butter beans, because—in case any of yall have managed to not already hear—timber tycoon John Rudey has heaved his epic Greenwich, CT estate on the open market with a equilibrium altering and publicity ensuring $190,000,000 price tag, a sky-high figure that blows to smithereens the U.S.s next most expensive residential real estate listing—Tom Hickss equally epic but land-locked Dallas (TX) estate—by $55 million _Copper Beech Farm_, as Mister Rudeys vast Long Island Sound-front estate is known, encompasses two mainland parcels plus two tiny undeveloped islands that all together total 50.6 acres with about a mile of private shoreline in the heart of Greenwichs hyper exclusive Mead Point area. The main residence was originally erected in 1898, according to online marketing details, and was previously owned and long-occupied by Harriet Lauder Greenway, the late daughter of industrialist George Lauder who, along with Andrew Carnegie, created the industrial juggernaut U.S. Steel. Mister Rudey quietly acquired the estate in an off-market deal about 31 years ago, according to previous reports, and hasnt been publicly available for purchase in more than a century. An 1,800 foot long driveway passes through entry gates before snakes through the thickly treed grounds to the main house, a hulking, twin-turreted stone edifice somewhat vexingly described in listing details as a "Neo-French Renaissance Victorian." Listing details go on to show the robber baron worthy 13,159 square foot behemoth has a dozen bedrooms—some with fireplaces and/or adjoining sleeping porches—and a total of 7 full and 2 half bathrooms. A cavernous, three-story high wood-paneled foyer is sure to impress guests—not to mention the FedEx delivery guy/gal—and sets the stage for the grandly scaled and elegantly appointed public rooms that include a formal living room with marble fireplace and French doors that connect through to a solarium wrapped in windows on three sides. The oak paneled formal dining room has a second fireplace and a decorative tracery ceiling while the paneled library has yet another fireplace, built-in bookcases and a bowed window with curved glass. A family kitchen adjoins the dining room and sits in convenient proximity to a sky-lit wing that contains a long, oval-shaped family room. The original, dumb-waiter equipped staff/catering kitchen kitchen is located in the basement—as was customary in a late 19th-century house of this magnitude— as are a wine cellar, one of several laundry rooms, storage space, staff quarters and more. The second floor master suite has a fireplace, a private sleeping porch, dressing room and a marble bathroom. There are five more family bedrooms on the second floor—two of them oval shaped, one with a fireplace and a sleeping porch. Four more family bedrooms and a massive multi-purpose room share the uppermost third floor with a domestic staff wing. Additional buildings on the property include—but may not limited to—at least two greenhouses, a stone carriage house with clock tower and parking for half a dozen vehicles and farm equipment, and a three-bedroom stucco and shingle gate house with rocking chair front porch. The expensively and meticulously maintained grounds include extensive, stone-walled formal gardens and allées, an apple orchard, vast swathes of lawn the roll down towards the rocky coastline, and a tree-shaded waterside grass tennis court with viewing pergola. The geometric-minded, 14-sided swimming pool (and spa) stretches 75 feet and is serviced by a nearby octagonal pool house with changing and bathing facilities. Some of the other exceptionally well-heeled homeowners on Mead Point, according to property records and other online resources, include a bevy of financiers and captains of industry such as William Fertig, Michael Urfirer, Michael Petrick Maurice Cunniffe, George Lindemann Sr., and Thomas OMalley whose entire estate sits on a private island accessed by a long bridge. Pastoral and posh, Greenwich is renown for its exceedingly high priced residential real estate. However, hunties, even swanky enclaves like Greenwich have their real estate glass ceilings and it would seem that Mister Rudey has a high mountain to climb to get anywhere near his remarkably tumescent $190 million asking price. After first being listed in 2007 at $125 million, Leona Helmsleys _Dunnellen Hall_ finally sold in 2010 for $35,000,000. The following year a four acre waterfront spread sold for $39.5 million and back in 2004 an 80-acre horse farm in the bucolic, equestrian oriented Conyers Farm area sold for $45 million. listing photo: David Ogilvy & Associates

SELLERS: Olivia Newton John and John Easterling LOCATION: Tequesta, FL PRICE: $6,200,000 SIZE: 6,383 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Over the weekend Your Mama received a friendly digital missive from a self-described "crazy huge fan" of Olivia Newton John who snitched to Your Mama that the English-born Aussie singer and her natural herb remedy mogul husband John "Amazon John" Easterling have hoisted their recently rehabbed water front residence in Jupiter, FL, on the market with an asking price of $6,200,000.* The four-time Grammy winner and herbal medicine man paid $4,100,000 for the two-story Plantation-style pad just over four years ago, shortly after they were secretly wed in an Incan ceremony in Cuzco, Peru.** The lushly landscaped and quintessentially south Floridian spread backs up to the crystalline turquoise waters of the Intracoastal Waterway in the affluent _Jupiter Inlet Colony_ community, the same ocean side enclave, as it turns out, where in February 2012 country-rock-rap star Kid Rock dropped $3,225,000 on an ocean front fixer-upper. Listing details show the Newton John-Easterling residence, originally built in 1997, has a total of four bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms in 6,383 square feet of recently renovated eco-luxury.*** Listing details reveal the couple spent "Over $2 million" on renovations that included the installation of high-quality hurricane impact rated glass doors and windows, a whole-house water purification system, five air conditioning units and two central vacuum systems, a rainwater harvesting irrigation system, and an extensive home automation system that controls the audio/visual equipment, windows shades and lighting. Chicago brick pavers pass under a quartet of arched palm trees to a small walled motor court at the front of the house. The voluminous, 1,000+ square foot Great Room stretches nearly forty feet long with cool, coral stone tile flooring under foot and an airy, vaulted tongue-and-groove cypress wood ceiling over head. A high efficiency gas fireplace warms damp and chilly seaside evenings and a long row of wood-framed glass doors that connect to a covered lanai with a long view over the verdant backyard to the water. The coral tile flooring extends beyond the adjoining "formal" dining area in to the open-concept galley kitchen expensively outfitted as per online marketing details with poured concrete counter tops, custom-crafted driftwood cabinetry and high grade stainless steel appliances. The kitchen opens to a small den/family room that spills out to the backyard through more wood-framed glass doors. Listing details show somewhere in the house theres a full-sized built-in wet bar with cabinetry custom crafted from the same rustic-organic driftwood as the kitchen. The coral tile floors switch to wall-to-wall carpeting in the media room thats wrapped on two walls with even more custom cabinetry that looks more like limed cypress than driftwood to Your Mama but we really cant say with any authority what sort of wood that actually is. That the media room is furnished with little more than a lonely pair of striped bean bags—not to mention the walk-in closet in the master bedroom is empty—makes Your Mama think the couple have already vacated the premises and that that house has been at least partially staged. The second floor master suite is a complete private retreat with sitting area, a built-in pop-up t.v., a handy-dandy morning bar thats also convenient for midnight candy snacks, a custom-fitted walk-in closet, and a private balcony with spiral stairs that corkscrew down to the backyard. The attached, modern-romantic master bathroom has a free-standing vanity surmounted by a floridly baroque mirror, a claw footed soaking tub, and a custom glassed-in steam shower lined with shimmering eggshell colored opalescent glass tiles. Water craft are accommodated with a sturdy, ipe wood dock that can comfortably accommodate a boat up to 80 feet long and automobiles are pampered in a fully finished and air-conditioned detached garage with loads of storage cabinetry and eye-vexing black and white checkerboard tile floor. Listing photos show Mister and Missus Easterling stocked one corner of the garage with a whole bunch of exercise equipment. In addition to the private dock and vine-draped and Dominican coral tiled lanai that runs along the back of the house, outdoor living spaces and recreational amenities include a small but swanky curvilinear zero-edge swimming pool and spa, a hammock nestled into a small stand of palm trees, and an Old-Timey porch swing charmingly hung between a couple of palm trees. The broad lawn, surrounded by lush tropical foliage, sweeps down to the water front where mangroves frame a sandy beach suitable for waterside sunbathing and kayak parking. Your Mama really hasnt any idea where Miz Newton John and Mister Easterling plan to settle once they sell their Tequesta digs so all you hardcore Olivia Newton John fans shouldnt even bother with an enquiry about such. Okay? *Technically, according to the Palm Beach County Tax Man, the property is in Tequesta, FL. **The couple held a second wedding ceremony on a beach in Tequesta (FL). ***For the record, some online listings show the house has 5,500 square feet while the Palm Beach County Tax Man shows the house sits on a .35 acre lot and has a total of 7,429 square feet with 5,521 square feet of air conditioned space. listing photos: Seawind Realty

BUYER: Mark Foster SELLER: Maurice Benard LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA PRICE: $2,155,000 SIZE: 4,637 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This ones for all the music hipsters and indie-pop aficionados out there who—like Your Mama—were swept up in the viral video cyclone that developed and raged over the last couple of years around a catchy little ditty called _Pumped Up Kicks._ The song, which has a much darker lyric than its bubbly beat might suggest, first showed up on the You Tube in 2010 and quickly made its way to commercial radio where it shot up the charts in 2011. In a prime example of how social media affects and, arguably, shapes and even dominates the dissemination and digestion of art, culture and, even more so, pop culture, _Pumped up Kicks_ has been remixed and remixed and remixed to death, hunties. To. Death. Key of Awesome did an awesome parody with _Ducked Up Lips _and bazillions of professional, au courant singers like Karmin—not to mention an army bedroom performers like Lizzy Land and Angelika Eide—gave the song their own spin. Miracles of Modern Science did it with classical string instruments and this young gal did it with a banjo. A slow moving but addictive video of a lithe young dancer doin his thang to a Butch Clancy dubstep remix has already been viewed on the You Tube more than 87 million times. If you havent been hit by this viral music train yet, well, you must be even older and more out of touch than Your Mama. And, good night children, were old enough to have gray hair in places nobody wants it or ever thinks theyre gonna get it. Anyways... Last year (2012) _Pumped Up Kicks_ earned the smiley, shaggy-haired front man Mark Foster and his semi-eponymous trio Foster the People* a Billboard Music Award for Top Rock Song plus two Grammy nominations, one for the song and another for the bands debut album _Torches_. We got it on the iTunes, puppies. Were not ashamed. Foster the People may not be the next Rolling Stones—or Whitesnake or whatever band makes your personal _Legendary_ list. None the less, in just the few short years theyve surfed and sailed the wild popularity of a single song, front man Mark Foster has earned himself enough do-re-mi to buy himself a two and some million dollar country spread nestled into a secluded cranny of the Hollywood Hills where some of his nearby neighbors include Tinseltowners like Adam Carolla and Olivia Munn. Digital resources show the property in question was sold in late March or early April (2013) for $2,155,000 by Daytime Emmy winning soap story veteran Maurice Benard who, along with his wife, Paula, purchased the first of the two parcels that comprise the mini-ranch for $420,000 in mid-1997. The following February Mister Benard and his missus paid another $274,000 for a much larger, undeveloped adjacent parcel. Based on property records we perused and our own rudimentary calculations Mister and Missus Benard shelled out a total of $694,000 for the two lots that combined span 54,450 square feet, a figure otherwise known as 1.25 acres. Selling the property was a long slog for Mister and Missus Benard, a very long slog indeed. As best as we can surmise from online resources, the couple had the house on and off the market numerous times at a number of prices since they first heaved the unwanted ranch-ette on to the open market in September 2008 with an in-hindsight woefully optimistic asking price of $3,599,000. Four long years later—and at least one deal down the tubes—the semi-rural property was re-listed for the umpteenth time with a significantly lower $2,399,000 price tag. Property records show it took another 8.5 months before the Benards were kissed by the real estate leprechaun and, at long last, sold their white elephant in the Hollywood Hills. The buyer appears in property records as a vexingly named trust that our impeccably well-informed informant Lucy Spillerguts tattled to Your Mama is connected to—you got it, kitty cats—Mark Foster. A ratty-looking black top driveway arcs up to an unreasonably and unnecessarily unattractive facade. Check, children, that architectural pearl clutcher of a two-car carport the juts angrily off the front of the otherwise nearly featureless, wood-clad facade. Yeesh! Not surprisingly, listing details Your Mama managed to tease out of the internets shows the residence was originally built in 1975—the pine plank siding is quintessential mid-70s and looks great with ferns—and is currently configured with three bedrooms and three bathrooms in 4,637 square feet of interior space. Despite the two unfortunately placed doors on either side of that carport, its through the Southeast Asian-looking wood and steel entry gates and down the full length of a deep, shaded veranda that one must go to find the residences rather reclusive front door. Wood-framed glass front doors, slate tile flooring, wood treads and wrought iron spindles on the open staircase, and a soaring, double-height exposed wood ceiling pretty much sum up the earthy materials palette found throughout the loft-like, open-concept main living spaces on the ground floor. Wood floors run on the diagonal in the living room area thats well lit via the sky light that pierces the pitched exposed wood ceiling. A full, trapezoidal wall of windows and sliders connects to a tatty looking courtyard-like outdoor space that, in the right hands, could be a fantastic garden lounge and dining terrace. The floor switches to giant, square slate tiles that runs throughout a handful of flexi-use spaces—dining, den, sun room, family room, music lounge, reading nook, whatever—and right on into the cook-friendly kitchen. The kitchen is well-equipped with a center work peninsula and a bumper crop of high-grade stainless steel appliances that include a six-burner commercial-style range with built-in griddle section, and a side-by-side fridge/freezer set up. Dark raised panel cabinetry that we dont care for is topped by mottled gray granite counter tops and, opposite the fridge freezer, theres a lowered breakfast counter held up by a pair of disturbingly giant carved stone (or molded concrete) corbels that makes it a week bit difficult to access the inset microwave cubby. A fully-equipped screening room—located in a space that Your Mama is pretty darn sure used to be a garage—has at least seven boxy black leather seats with built-in in drink holders in the double-wide armrests and an exterior entrance through one of those aforementioned unfortunately located doors that flank the carport. Upstairs the pleasantly roomy master bedroom is blessed with a vaulted, exposed wood ceiling and punished with nappy-looking wall-to-wall carpeting that any sensible person would switch out before ever moving in. No shade Mister Benard, but do we really need to think about all the stuff that gets trapped in deep pile wall-to-wall carpeting...in the master bedroom? Anyways, a bank of windows and glass doors open to a private terrace that serves up an expansive if not exactly electrifying canyon view. According to an 2008 listing Your Mama teased up out of the internets the closet in the master suite is—or was—cedar lined and the attached bathroom is slathered in multi-toned slate tile with a double sink vanity, a sizable soaking tub and a separate shower space. Theres at least one other bedroom on the upper level with direct access to a private terrace and listing information indicates theres also a "Sep. gym/maids & laundry room w/ loads of storage." The kitchen and family room area wrap around a small dining deck that over looks a down-sloping swathe of bougainvillea encircled open space. Its a big ol dirt patch, really. Theres an over the tree tops canyon and mountain view and it seems just enough space for Mister Foster and his band mates to host a mini, backyard version of Coachella, although some of his neighbors might not be so keen about that idea. *In addition to Mark Foster, Foster the People is composed of Mark Pontius and co-founder Cubbie Fink. listing photos: Unlimited Style Real Estate for Hilton & Hyland

SELLER: Some say its Tom Cruise, but yall should be skeptical of that LOCATION: New York City, NY PRICE: $28,000,000 SIZE: 8,300 square feet, 6 bedrooms, YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In 2009 property gossips in New York City and around the globe went plain ol berserk over the wildfire celebrity real estate rumor that Tom Cruise and his then third and now ex wife Katie Cruise just might be the mysterious buyers who shelled out $15,075,000 for a stunning six floor townhouse on West 12th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues in the heart of the Gold Coast in New York Citys Greenwich Village. The speculation and rumors apparently got started by chit-chatting doormen on the block and they persisted even after both Mister Cruise and Missus Cruise—through their representatives, natch—issued denials of the much-alleged townhouse acquisition. Based on our own research into the scuttlebutt, Your Mama is not now and never was convinced that Mister and ex-Missus Cruise were the real buyers of the elegant1860 townhouse. Whoever the owner may be, it has come to Your Mamas attention by way of a short missive from our ever-intrepid aide de camp Hot Chocolate that the townhouse long alleged to have been bought by Mister and ex-Missus Cruist back in 2009 has popped back up on the market with an attention getting $28,000,000 price tag, and, well, its pretty damn spectacular. Current listing details show the 21-foot wide and approximately 8,300 square foot townhouse, blessed with a magnificent wrought iron railed stoop, stands six stories above ground with an additional finished basement level below grade. There are a total five terraces, seven working fireplaces, 7.5 bathrooms, state of the art built-in surround sound and humidification systems, and an hydraulic elevator that conveniently services all but the penthouse level. Listing details show the townhouse was worked over but good by accomplished New York City-based architect Steven Harris.
We counted six bedrooms on the floor plan included with online marketing materials, divvied up as follows: a staff suite with kitchenette and roomy full bathroom on the garden level; two ample, full-width bedrooms on the fifth floor, both with relatively compact windowless en suite facilities; two more smaller bedrooms on the fourth floor, one with small private study and puny bathroom and the other with small private terrace and unexpectedly spacious bathroom; and, finally, the master suite on the third floor that encompasses a full-width bedroom, a large walk-in closet plus additional closet space, and a luxuriously appointed but windowless marble bathroom with double sinks and cramped, windowless crapper cubby. The master bedroom connects through to the upper landing of the townhouses rear stairs where French doors open to a terrace thats probably larger than a typical Greenwich Village studio apartment and the master bathroom has a back door into a street-facing library/private sitting room—also accessible from the stair hall—with built-in bookcases on either side of a fireplace. The parlor floor hosts the primary public entertaining spaces and includes a vestibule entry and foyer, a cozy front parlor, and, separated by a short gallery that runs behind a well-placed powder pooper and elevator shaft, a more stately-scaled rear parlor. Beyond the rear parlor theres a sunny sun room that could also be used as a formal dining room or den). On the garden level below, a den—or possible dining room—generously spans the full width of the house and has a could-be-awkward attached three-quarter bathroom. A short corridor links the den/dining room to a top quality double-wide galley kitchen that opens at the back through a bank of French doors to a slender garden/terrace that wraps around to an interior courtyard nestled in between the kitchen and the den/dining room. A glassed in solarium on the penthouse level opens on opposites ends through vast panels of glass to a pair decks that have been well planted for privacy. The smaller, south-facing street-side deck is equipped with an enclosed outdoor shower and—buckle your safety belts for this one—a partially sunken Japanese soaking tub for which Your Mama is living, hunties, _living_. Not because we like to sit like stew meat in a vat of near boiling water—we decidedly dont—but but The Dr. Cooter sure does, and on a regular basis. Had we a Redwood number like this on a drop-dead deck like that we might never have packed our bags and headed west. Anyways... Whether Tom Cruise actually owns this show stopping townhouse or—as Your Mama thinks—its owned by a much less famous but even richer businessman, its a stunner sure to be a hot property, dontcha think? Fer chrissakes, kids, about the only thing that might make this place better, really, would be a private garage. And, seriously, a person could suffocate holding their breath for an 8,000-plus square foot townhouse with a mid-block location on a prime street in the Greenwich Village Gold Coast with a private garage, you know? All real estate is a compromise even if it cost $28,000,000. listing photos and floor plan: Brown Harris Stevens

Actor Sean Patrick Flanery (_The Boondock Saints, Numb3rs, Criminal Minds_ and soon to be seen on _Dexter_) sold his house in the Hollywood Hills for $910,000. :::::::: _Without a Trace_ star Enrique Murciano listed his rectilinear mid-century modern in the Hollywood Hills for $1.79 million. He bought the property in 2009 for $1.6 million. :::::::: Although Hugh Hefner and his 27-year old Playmate wife, Crystal Harris, live lavishly at the legendary _Playboy Mansion_ in L.A.s Holmby Hills, the octogenarian soft-porn peddler does not personally own the sprawling party pad. Its owned, rather, by Playboy Enterprises. In order to ensure his young enough to be his great-granddaughter wife has a place to live after hes gone, he romantically snatched up a sexy-sexy-sexy five million dollar contemporary crib in the Hollywood Hills where the third and current Missus Hefner can reside in her widowdom.

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Bless her valiant real estate heart, television hospital drama royal and Kate Walsh is giving it another go. The Private Practice_ actress has re-listed her Spanish style house in L.A.s star-studded Los Feliz area for $4,750,000, the exact same price she paid for the 5,940 square foot walled and double-gated mini-estate back in June 2007. This marks the fourth time in three years the red-headed divorcée has heaved her house on the open market. Listing details show the two story main house has a turreted porch and a double-height entrance hall sure to impress guests and the Chinese food delivery man alike. There are four upstairs en-suite bedrooms—one Miz Walsh uses as a dressing room, a total of six bathrooms and three fireplaces as well as roomy entertaining room that include formal living and dining rooms and a spacious center island eat-in kitchen that adjoins a small t.v. lounge with French doors that open to the backyard. The landscaping looks lush and mature and there are several outdoor living areas including a pergola shaded lounge with modern-minded concrete outdoor fireplace. A sizable, three-room detached structure at the back of the property near the swimming pool where Miz Walsh has a couple of offices, a Pilates studio and an updated bathroom. Heres hoping the fourth times a charm. listing photos: Sothebys International Realty

First he testified under oath that Michael Jackson never touched him inappropriately. Then, already an in demand choreographer amongst the boy band and bubblegum pop star set, Wade Robson became a judge on the televised dance competition _So You Think You Can Dance_. Recently he filed something called a creditors claim again Michael Jacksons estate that, despite his previous sworn testimony, alleges he was repeatedly child molested by Michael Jackson over a seven year period. Obviously, neither the Jackson family nor their sassy attorney Thomas Messereau is having any of _that_. Anyways... Now comes word down the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Wade Robson sold his three bedroom and 2.5 bathrooms Santa Monica condo for $825,000, $36,000 more than the asking price. So the story goes, he and his missus—and baby makes three—plan to move to the wifes native state of Hawaii. listing photos: Coldwell Banker / Montana

Until recently, 26-year old music industry supernova Florence Welch—the vibrantly diaphanous, ginger tressed front woman for The Machine—lived in South London with her mum. Could you die? Anyways, the idiosyncratically stylish singer recently settled into her own place, a wee Georgian cottage just a 10 minute walk away from mom. Not surprisingly, as seen in a spread in the May (2013) issue of global fashion authority _Vogue_, the humbly scaled cottage presents as a slightly peculiar and authentically personal synthesis of grandma-style vintage meets organically inclined modern with a whole lotta gypsy glamour sprinkled on top and stuffed in the closets. Just like, some might say, Miss Welch who, along with her fearsome band, have two Brit Awards in their pocket and three Grammy nomination notches on their designer belts. Anyways, children, note the giant oculus sky light over the eight-seat farmhouse table in the rustically wood-floored kitchen and check the number of dangerous spike-toed flats Miss Welch has at her ready disposal in her glamgranny-girlish designer duds stuffed dressing room. photo: Angelo Pennetta for Vogue (via Curbed)

Property gossip reports out of South Florida are nine kinds of breathless over the scuttlebutt that lewd, crude and redonkulously rich radio shock jock Howard Stern and his wife Beth Ostrosky dumped (around) fifty million bucks in an off-market deal for a robber baron worthy ocean front compound along the most expense stretch of sand in pompously posh Palm Beach, FL. The 19,800 square foot Palladian behemoth, owned by New Hampshire textile magnate Martin Trust, has 12.5 bathrooms, according to property records and previous reports, as well as an elevator, a croquet lawn, garage parking for 23 cars and an annual tax bill of more than half a million bucks. Some of Mister and Missus Sterns new nearby neighbors include the conservative blowhard Rush Limbaugh, billionaire Nelson Peltz and Russian oligarch Dmitry Rybolovlev who bought his ocean front spread for $95 million from Donald Trump. Imagine those backyard barbecues... Now then, whats to become of Mister and Missus Sterns massive ocean front home in the Hamptons? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller? aerial photo: Bing

They say entertainment industry juggernaut Jennifer Lopez finally bit the real estate bullet and bought herself a ten million dollar classic shingled gambrel in the Hamptons, just down the road from scenically stunning Mecox Bay in the sleepy but tony Water Mill area, to be exact. Listing details show the L-shaped mansion sits on two separate parcels that total about three acres. There are five family bedrooms on the upper floor, a staff suite tucked between the kitchen and the direct entry three car garage on the ground floor plus two more potential bedrooms in the fully finished basement for less favored guests and/or live-in domestic staff. We counted seven full and two half bathrooms, three fireplaces and numerous covered porches on both above ground floors.

In addition to the two potential bedrooms the finished basement also features a steam room and separate sauna just outside a fitness room, an "art room," a "recreation area" and a media room. Wedged into a tight spot just outside the basement level library is a tiny, windowless massage room massage room and just down the hall theres an over-sized walk-in cedar closet. Meanwhile, Marc Anthony, JLows third ex-husband and the father of her children, spent a comparatively meager $2.5 million on a much less exciting mock-Med macmansion in Encino, CA. Guess we know who wore the financial pants in that family. listing photos and floor plan: Corcoran

SELLER: Rob Dyrdek BUYER: Blake Anderson LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA PRICE: $1,175,000 SIZE: 2,792 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As of June 2012 professional skateboarder turned hard-charging entrepreneur and reality television host Rob Dyrdek (_Rob and Big, Rob Dyrdeks Fantasy,_ and the currently in airing _Ridiculousness_) owned not just one but three million dollar-plus houses in L.A.s fabled Hollywood Hills: one in the _Mount Olympus_ community, another in the _Hollywood Knolls_ nabe and a third in a little known hood called _Laurel Hills_. Mister Dyrdeks most recent addition to his property portfolio came in June 2012 when he shelled out $2.5 million for a fully renovated two story contemporary in the sleepy _Laurel Hills_ neighborhood at the top of Laurel Canyon. Listing details from the time of his purchase show the residence of just over 3,700 square feet has four bedrooms, three bathrooms and a long, just about unimpeded view that sweeps across a wide swathe of the San Fernando Valley. Last November (2012) Mister Dyrdek sold a boxy, concrete and glass contemporary in the _Mount Olympus_ neighborhood above Laurel Canyon for $2,125,000, a figure that represents a bank account brutalizing $334,000 loss from the $2,459,000 he paid for the place back in May 2008.* Fortunately for Mister Dyrdek, he recently and finally, after almost five years on and off the market at a variety of prices, unloaded a mid-sixties modern in the somewhat geographically discrete _Hollywood Knolls_ neighborhood. No, puppies, Your Mama did not make a liquor-fueled typo. The house really was on and off the market for nearly five years. Unfortunately, like with _Mount Olympus_ house on which he lost a bundle, Mister Dyrdek sold his _Hollywood Knolls_ house at a significant loss. Property records show he paid $1,400,000 for the hillside house in June 2005 and online evidence suggests he first listed it in June 2008 at $1.75 million. By October of 2012 the asking price had fallen to $1,199,000 and property records reveal Mister Dyrdek managed to shed his real estate albatross a few weeks ago, in mid-March 2013, for $1,175,000. A few clicks and clacks on the well-worn beads of Your Mamas bejeweled abacus shows that Mister Dyrdek has tallied up a throat constricting real estate loss of $559,000 in the last year, not counting other also significant expenses such as (but not necessarily limited to) carrying costs, improvements and real estate fees. Presumably Mister Dyrdeks money managers and accountants know how to turn all those losses into a tax benefit. Isnt that how its done? The _Hollywood Knolls_ house was purchased, according to property records, through a vaguely named trust that Your Mamas celebrity real estate Deep Throat Lucy Spillerguts tells us is controlled by the thickly mustachioed and crazily kinky-haired comedian and actor Blake Anderson. Mister Anderson may not be a big household name in the vein of au courant comedians like, say, Louis C.K., but hes been a solidly upwardly mobile minor player in the comedy scene for the last several years. He studied with the legendary improv comedy groups The Groundlings and the Upright Citizens Brigade before he co-founded his own sketch comedy group, Mail Order Comedy, with longtime b.f.f.s and fellow comedic up and comers Adam DeVine, Anders Holm, and Kyle Newacheck. Over the last few years the recently secretly married Mister Anderson has popped up on a couple of primetime sitcoms programs (_Community, Entourage_) and a handful of short form t.v. series (_Crossbows & Mustaches, 5th Year_) but unarguably his big Showbiz break came in 2010 when he and his Mail Order Comedy cohorts were tapped to write, produce and co-star in _Workaholics_, a raunchy and low brow yet smartly conceived scripted series, now in its third season with two more seasons already ordered by the network. The show centers on three sophomoric post-college man-children—and their dopey drug dealer—who live together and share a single cubicle at a soul-crushing telemarketing company. Its kind of _Girls_ for guys, dudes and brahs who think sexting is sexy and farting is funny. Just FYI, kids: underneath all that frizzy hair and slacker-hipster attire there lurks the slender, taut and hairless body of a twink but thats really neither here nor there, is it? Anyways... Property records show the glutially unfriendly multi-level mid-century modern post and beam residence was built high on the hillside of a steep but generous .45 acre lot in 1967 and listing details Your Mama squirreled out of the interweb show there are three bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms in 2,792 square feet. The street-level two car garage is an excellent feature in the tightly packed Hills of Hollywood but it only takes eyeballs to see the house looms spectacularly high over the street. This is not, children, a house for anyone with underdeveloped haunches or a bad ticker. By Your Mamas observation and estimation its at least two full flights from the street to the front door that opens (awkwardly) directly into a combination foyer/sitting room with raised fireplace and mottled copper and ocher slate tile flooring. Its another full flight up to a proper living room with yellow blond wood floors under foot and a wonderfully decadent 15-foot ceiling overhead. Your Mama appreciates the architectural meatiness of the massive raised hearth fireplace with its double smoke stake flue and we swoon for the full wall of glass panels and sliding glass doors that connects to a small terrace with big canyon and sky views. Knowing this neighborhood as we do, Your Mama thinks this house might have a terrific view of the 101 Freeway as it bends its way through the Cahuenga Pass between Hollywood and Studio City in the San Fernando Valley. Behind the fireplace another half flight of stairs leads up to an open concept dining and kitchen space that overlooks the living room. As inconvenient as it might be to have the living room on a separate level from the dining room and kitchen, its the three-plus flight hike from the street to the kitchen that really seems like, well, a literal and figurative pain in the patooty. We know for sure that our house gal Svetlana would demand a minimum of a 20% raise if we were to ask her to schlep our groceries, cleaning supplies and other kitchen and bathroom necessities up all them stairs on a regular basis. The kitchen isnt huge but it is certainly reasonably well equipped with decent grade stainless steel appliances, speckled granite counter tops on cherry-finish cabinetry, and a center island snack bar with built-in microwave cubby. However, the kitchen also looks like a bit of an after thought that was shoved thoughtlessly up into corner. With all that head space Your Mama wonders why the kitchen designer didnt take the cabinets all the way to the ceiling or anchor the airy space more effectively with a larger center island but, alas.

The master suite occupies a private end of the upper level and claims a full wall of glass sliders that open to a private terrace in the tree tops thats perfect for a post coital cigarette and/or a weekend wake and bake with a loved one. The average sized attached master bathroom is almost entirely decked in white with a contrasting gray slate tile floors. Along one wall theres a double sink vanity that looks to Your Mama like it might be from Ikea and on the opposite wall theres a glassed in white tile shower stall. Two more bedrooms with a shared hall bathroom and laundry facilities located on a separate floor ensure seclusion for guests and secretive teenagers. The dining area opens through sliders to a slender pergola shaded dining terrace that makes a long run between the back of the house and the plunge-sized swimming pool. The swimming pool may be in-ground but the spa shown in listing photos is one of those above ground things that we imagine had to be craned in since—as weve repeatedly mentioned—its a long, long, long haul from the street. The backyard is remarkably roomy and flat for a house in the hills and besides the pool and spa includes a small deck for sunbathing, a wee patch of lawn and a towering retaining wall that holds back the steep and densely foliaged up slope behind the house. We dont know if Mister Anderson currently owns (or previously owned) any other residential property in Los Angeles or in the Bay Area where he was born and bred but we do know that in 2011 the moe-ron fractured his damn spine when he jumped off the roof of his house and landed on a beer pong table. This ass-hat move, children, was not only captured on video but put up on the internets for the world to gawk at. Now that, children, is classy with a capital K. *Interestingly the non-celebrity buyer immediately caught a severe case of The Real Estate Fickle and flipped the property back on the market two months later with the familiar asking price of $2.125 million. A couple months later the asking price was raised to $2,295,000. A marketing maneuver like that might seem counterintuitive to some but was absolutely effective because the property was put into escrow just two weeks later. listing photos: Prudential California

SELLER: Michael Rapino BUYERS: Anna Faris and Chris Pratt LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA PRICE: $3,300,000 YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in late February (2013) Your Mama (dissed) and discussed a gated mock-Med villa above Hollywood in L.A.s lower Nichols Canyon area then owned and listed by Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino and his actress missus Jolene Blalock. The 4,700+ square foot house had been a few weeks earlier with an asking price of $2,975,000 and, by the time we got around to reading the residence up and down, it was already in escrow. Well, children—as an indication of the temperature of the upper end real estate market in Los Angeles, there must have been multiple offers on the three bedroom and 3.5 bathroom mini-estate because property records show it sold in early March for—drum roll please—$3.3 million. It was The Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial that first got Your Mama sniffing back around the property records and we came up stymied. Our always impeccably well informed friend and confidant Lucy Spillerguts, on the other hand, snitched with the utmost confidence that property was purchased for $325,000 over the asking price by up and coming comedic power pair Anna Faris and Chris Pratt. In addition to her voice over work on the animated sitcom series _King of the Hill_ in the early to mid Aughts and a handful of money making animated movies that include _Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs_ and the _Alvin and the Chipmunks _franchise, Miz Fariss resume includes a growing list of well regarded feature films like _Lost In Translation_ and _Brokeback Mountain. _She also has under her professional belt a number of schlocky but successful movies such as _Scary Movie_ (1, 2, 3 and 4) and a couple of goofy rom-coms like _The House Bunny_ and the dismal performing _Whats Your Number_. All careers have warts, right? Mister Pratt cut his Showbiz teeth in the early and mid-Aughts on popular programs like _Everwood_ and _The O.C._ He currently does a downright stand up job as one of the charmingly idiosyncratic doofuses—doofi?—on the the sitcom _Parks and Recreation_. His credits also include a few serious movies like _Zero Dark Thirty _and Moneyball as well as a silly rom com or two like the dismal performing _The Five Year Engagement_. All careers have warts, right? Avid, long-time followers of the celebrity real estate scene may recall that way back in 2007 Miz Faris and her first and ex husband, actor Ben Indra, pushed their Hollywood Hills house on the market with an asking price of $1,995,000, the exact same price they paid for the place two years earlier. Property records do not reflect a transfer of ownership and its Your Mamas understanding from several nearly always reliable sources that the house was retained by Miz Faris who remained in residence with her second husband—that would be Mister Pratt—and their small child. listing photos: Coldwell Banker / Beverly Hills South

BUYER: Jennifer Love Hewitt LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA PRICE: $3,250,000 SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Boobtastic B-list actress Jennifer Love Hewitt* sold her recently deceased mothers six bedroom and six bathroom mini-mansion in L.A.s celeb-stocked Toluca Lake nabe last December (2012) for $2,150,000 to a well-regarded L.A.-based Italian chef. Earlier in the year she put her own semi-Spanish style lake-front house—located catty-corner across the street from moms—up for lease at $12,500 per month. So, although unexpected, it came as no surprise when we received a covert communique from a tattle tale well call Wanda Tellyousomething who whispered to Your Mama that the 20+ year Showbiz veteran—and occasional celebrity gossip blog laughing stock and punching bag—dropped $3.25 million on a new, contemporary home in the sleepy, family friendly and exceedingly affluent Los Angeles beach community of Pacific Palisades. Miss Love Hewitt came to Los Angeles as a wee child from a tiny town in central Texas with lots of heart and stardust in her pre-teen eyes. She booked numerous commercials before she got her big t.v. break in 1989 on _Kids Incorporated_ starring none other than Stacey Ferguson, the entertainer now known as the uni-monikered Fergie. In 1995 the ambitious young actress landed on the enormously popular primetime family drama _Party of Five, _a high-profile ensemble gig that resulted in a starring role in the very short-lived sequel _Time of Your Life_. A number of hokey t.v. movies followed (_The Audrey Hepburn Story, Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber_) until 2000 when she snagged a five year run as the clairvoyant star of the popular _Ghost Whisperer_, canceled in 2010. Miss Love Hewitt currently stars in all her curvaceous physical glory in _The Client List_, a naughty-themed primetime drama about an upscale Sugar Land, TX massage parlor that specializes in happy endings and other extra sexual treats for a cadre of affluent and sometimes pervy gentlemen. Along the way, for better and worse, the famously unlucky in love Miss Love Hewitt became just as well known for her merry-go-round romantic life as for her professional accomplishments. JLove—dont you imagine she might describe herself as a hopeless romantic?—has reportedly dated or "dated" scads of famous and semi-famous men including but not limited to Jamie Kennedy, Ross McCall, John Mayer, Shaggy, Ethan Zohn, Wilmer Valderrama, Carson Daily and Joey Lawrence. Shes currently hot and heavy with her _Client List_ co-star Brian Hallisay. He plays her husband and the father to her young children. Is this art imitating life or life imitating art? None of the above? Who cares? Anyways, Wanda also told Your Mama that until they move to their new digs in the Palisades the couple of less than a year are shacked up in unmarried sin in a rented penthouse pad atop one of the swankier high-rise apartment towers that line Wilshire Boulevard near Westwood and Century City. As recently as mid-April some of the celebrity-based blogs and gossip glossies reported that Miss Love-Hewitt and her co-star/man-friend were house hunting and planning to make a baby, in that order. Turns out, butter beans, by mid-April Miss Love Hewitt was already deep in escrow on a modern-minded house in Pacific Palisades that property records show she closed on in late April (2013) for exactly $3.25 million. For the record, since the property was purchased via a property trust long connected to Miss Love Hewitt and her Toluca Lake residence its not clear to Your Mama if Mister Hallisay has any financial stake in or ownership of the residence.

Property records indicate Miss Love Hewitt bought the modern abode from designer denim mogul Peter Koral who co-founded the wildly successful 7 for all Mankind brand that he and his partners sold in 2007 for more than three quarters of a billion bucks. Listing details dont include the square footage for the two-story contemporary but does reveal the urban loft inspired single family dwelling was designed by Santa Monica-based architect Melinda Gray and built in 2007. The steel, glass, concrete and wood structure sits firm-footed on a (quite tight) .13 acre mid-block lot above Temescal Canyon with four bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, and an uplifting butterfly roof that evokes—or mimics, really—a classic, mid-century modern architectural affect. The urban meets organic interior spaces include an open plan main living area with a double height living room/lounge large enough to accommodate a substantial sitting area in front of a television surmounted fireplace plus host a baby grand piano in front of a wide wall of glass that slides open up to a dense thicket of up-lit bamboo that shields the view from the upper floor of the closely situated neighboring house. At the back of the sprawling room a dining area and adjacent den area function as a single space along with the spacious open concept center island kitchen outfitted with granite topped custom bamboo cabinetry and a multi stool snack and booze bar. A plethora of high quality commercial style appliances includes two ovens, two dishwashers, a six burner range, and a built-in espresso maker. A floor-to-ceiling glass panel pocket door disappears into the wall and unites the interior to the bamboo ringed courtyard-style backyard. Somewhere on the ground floor theres a small bedroom/office/den with direct access to a bamboo enshrouded concrete patio. A sky lit and satisfyingly muscular open tread floating staircase fashioned of wood and steel with frosted glass panel banister ascends to a wee library loft on the second floor. A sphincter tightening glass-railed catwalk spans the living room below and connects to the master suite thats complete with walk-in closet, street-side balcony with (what appears to be) a fire pit and over-the-tree-tops view towards the ocean, and an expensively appointed but hardly huge custom tiled bathroom with separate soaking tub and steam shower. Back downstairs the courtyard-style backyard isnt very big by any standard except perhaps an urban one. It is, howevuh, well (if maybe over ) equipped and smartly organized for a handful of recreational utilities. At the back theres a slightly raised plunge-sized swimming pool backed by a stacked stone wall. Up against the house theres a television lounge area with outdoor fireplace and, back in the corner, theres a built-in fire pit. Why, children, a backyard this bantam needs both an outdoor fireplace _and_ a built-in fire pit is beyond Your Mamas ability to fathom. It just seems like a fireside overkill, you know? Anyhoodles poodles... The still somewhat nascent couple have reportedly already talked babies and mazel tov for them. We expect that soon after Miss Love Hewitt gets impregnated and/or married she and Mister Hallisay soon start another extensively exhausting hunt for a larger, more family-oriented home with a backyard large enough to accommodate both a ludicrously expensive jungle gym and ludicrously lavish (and pricey) birthday parties. Because, lets be honest, children, if ever there were a Tinseltowner who Your Mama could imagine would spend big on a jungle gym for her tiny tot or drop a small fortune on an extravagant, themed birthday party for a one or two year old—a tiny child who will not remember a single spendy second of the damn thing, mind you—it would be Miss Love Hewitt. And—no doubt—one of the gossip glossies would be invited to report on the elaborate festivities and one of the gossip glossies would happily do just that. Are we wrong? With a new house not so far from beach—we guesstimate its about 2,500 feet as the crow flies—it remains to be seen what Miss Love Hewitt plans to do with her old house in Toluca Lake.** *Dont hate, people. Shes the one who recently publicly jested she ought to insure her 36Cs for five million bucks. And—all T no shade—she _is_ B-List. You know she is. Dont misunderstand Your Mama. The lady has worked, relatively speaking, steadily since she was prepubescent and shes earned (and earns) an enviable fortune in the dream crushing cat eat pony world of Hollywood. So kudos for that. But in the overall hierarchy of Hollywood—and there most certainly is a merciless hierarchy in Hollywood—shes not exactly an A-List actress in the vein of, say, Jessica Chastain or Jennifer Lawrence. Can we agree? Anyways... **Your Mama heard through the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Miss Love Hewitt leased her Toluca Lake residence to Jessica Simpsons mother Tina after she moved from the Encino mansion she once shared with her former preacher husband who—as it turns out and so the stories go—is a homosexual. We cant vouch for the veracity of the scuttlebutt and we dont know if it is true that Miss Love Hewitt leased her house to ex-Missus Simpson if the newly divorced celebrity mom remains in residence or if shes moved on. listing photos: Prudential California

BUYER: Jensen Ackles and Danneel (Harris) Ackles LOCATION: Malibu PRICE: $4,800,000 SIZE: 4,698 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week the long-legged blond at _Trulia Luxe Living_ revealed that handsome soap star turned sci-fi actor Jensen Ackles (_Days of Our Lives, Dark Angel, Dawson Creek, Smallville, Supernatural_) and actress Danneel (Harris) Ackles (_One Life to Live, One Tree Hill_) "sold not one but TWO homes in Los Angeles!" In mid-February (2013) the young, attractive and currently preggers pair unloaded Mister Ackles modest—if not exactly cheap—two bedroom and two bathroom bachelor pad starter home in the foothills just above Studio City for $700,000.* The following month the comely couple sold a much more substantial walled and gated mini-compound just south of Sunset Boulevard in the prosperous Brentwood area for exactly $3 million. Your Mama (dissed and) discussed the property when it first popped up on the open market in July 2012 with an asking price of $3,495,000.** At the time of her report, the long-legged blond didnt have any specific intel on where Mister and Missus Ackles planned to set down their next real estate roots. Thanks to a The Bizzy Boys at _Celebrity Address Aerial_ and a subsequent unequivocal confirmation from our always wickedly well-informed tattletale Lucy Spillerguts Your Mama has learned that in late December (2012), months before they sold either above mentioned house, Mister and Missus Ackles quietly dropped a considerable $4.8 million on a gated mini-estate in the star-studded Point Dume area of Malibu (CA). Property records and other online resources show the Ackles new abode, a two-story mock-Med surrounded by lush tropical foliage, was first hoisted on the open market in mid-2011 with a $5,950,000 price tag. Set well back from the road behind a towering wall of dense foliage and electronic driveway gates on a mostly flat 1.3 acre lot, the house was originally built in 1962 with five bedrooms and six bathrooms in 4,698 square feet. Wide steps lead up from the shady front motor court—there is also a second gated motor court at the rear of the property with garage access—to the front door along to a long colonnade with vine draped exposed beam roof structure. Listing photos show the renovated if stylistically outdated home has a formal living room with stone tile floors, a (probably gas) fireplace, a low looking ceiling and large windows that wrap around the room. Were down with the big windows but were bothered by their white frames and were even more perturbed that the window on the right side of the fireplace drops lower that the one on the left. Would it really have been so difficult for the architect or contractor to spec in windows of equal height? Anyways, listing photos show a surprisingly petite formal dining room with wood floors and two walls of wood-framed glass doors with immediate access to the swimming pool terrace. Listen, chickens, nobody likes a glimmering metallic more than Your Mama—just a quick look into our closet will turn up at least a handful of metallic sneakers—but holy moly bat girls and boys the non-celeb sellers had the walls and ceiling painted what appears to Your Mamas boozy and snarky eyeballs to be a rather disturbing metallic copper hue that we can only hope Mister and Missus Ackles had the good decorative sense to paint over immediately. Less formal family quarters include a large center island kitchen with breakfast area and adjoining family room. The kitchen is certainly large and well equipped with plenty of room to whip up a large meal but also has odd rounded corner cabinetry, a couple of ugly ceiling fans mounted into a sky-lit ceiling recess and a cargo van-sized center island over which menacingly looms a pot laden pot rack that looks like its dying to snag a weave that gets to close or drop a copper pot on a childs head. The adjoining family room has wood floors, a shallow vaulted ceiling and a fireplace surmounted by a flat screen t.v. and flanked by narrow inset cabinetry for stashing media equipment and other family room blah-di-blahs like puzzles and board games. Above the cabinets are a couple of bizarre quarter moon shaped windows that probably provide for an extra bit of light for the room but look, as far as were concerned, nine kinds of wrong. The master suite privately occupies the entire second floor and is complete with fireplace, vaulted ceiling and direct access to a private balcony with—on a clear day—an over-the-tree-tops view of the ocean and Catalina Island. Listing photos from the time of the Ackles acquisition shows the attached master bathrooms has a built-in hair and make-up vanity, glassed in steam shower, separate soaking tub and is slathered in some sort of marble that looks disturbingly too much like mortadella for Your Mamas personal decorative finish proclivities. Backyard recreation and entertainment spaces include a broad swathe of grass almost the exact size and shape of a tennis court and a smaller lawn at the back where the sellers had a jungle gym and where the soon-to-be new parents will likely install a jungle gym of their own choosing. A U-shaped built in outdoor kitchen/barbecue station has a three stool snack and booze counter and a spacious stone tiled terrace for sunbathing dining and lounging terrace wraps around a bottle green L-shaped swimming pool and spa lined with decorative Spanish tiles. Perhaps one of the best and most coveted attributes of the Ackles new spread in Da Bu is the deeded "beach key" access to Little Dume, probably the most exclusive of the quartet of private Point Dume beaches thats overlooked by swanky abodes owned by Tinseltown luminaries such as semi-reclusive movie star Julia Roberts and saxophonist Kenny G. A short list of other notable Show Biz types who have beach key access to Little Dume include Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves, Pink and Carey Hart, and billionaire film producer Sydney Kimmel who, backin early 2007, paid around $38 million for the multi-lot bluff-top compound of the late late night talk show legend Johnny Carson. *Property records show Mister Ackles picked up the property a decade earlier for $645,000. **Property records show Mister Ackles purchased the property in September 2009 for $2,435,000.

listing photos: via Zillow

Jennifer Lopezs third ex-husband Marc Anthony reportedly snatched up a 2.5 million mock-Med mini-mansion in the hot as Hades L.A. suburb of Encino (CA). (TMZ) :::::::: Hollywood scion and up-and-coming actress Bryce Dallas Howard—shes Oscar-winning director Ron Howards daughter—sold her Hollywood Hills house for $445,000 _less_ than she paid for it in 2006. :::::::: Sitcom star Kelsey Grammer was a bit luckier that Miss Howard real estate wise. He _flipped his purdy Spanish style casa_ in the fancy Flats of Beverly Hills for $200,000 more than the $6.5 million he paid for it just about year ago. (E! Online) :::::::: Contrary to scads of published reports by celebrity real estate gossips, squeaky clean _American Idol _host Ryan Seacrest says he did not by ballroom dancer turned country music singer Julianna Hough a three million dollar house as a break-up gift. (TMZ) :::::::: After she unsuccessfully tried to sell it off-market for $12 million sitcom queen Patricia Heaton and hubby David Hunt listed their Elmer Grey-designed Mediterranean mansion in L.A.s Hancock Park hood for $8,295,000 and sold it last week for exactly $8,000,000 to a not-famous person. :::::::: Sometimes cryptic and world renown endurance oriented performance artist Marina Abramovic sold a two family townhouse with a very rare private (outdoor) swimming pool in New York Citys Soho area for $3,063,000 million to b.f.f. fashion designer Riccardo Tisci, Creative Director for the venerable House of Givenchy. Miz Abramovic bought the 21-foot wide Federal style townhouse in July 2011 for $5,337,500 so its not entirely clear if she sold Mister Tisci a portion of the townhouse or if she simply took a punishing $2,274,500 loss on her real estate change of heart. Iffin we were the betting type—and we are not—wed wager both our long bodied bitches that Miz Abramovic kept the über-minimalist modern art-studio style unit on the lower two floors (plus the basement) for herself and sold Mister Tisci the 3-4 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom upper unit that opens at the back to a private terrace that overlooks the swimming pool. (Coop Sales via Curbed)

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Last week it was revealed here, there, and everywhere that New York-based Tinseltown scion Ben Stiller—his parents are the incomparable comedic legends Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller—sold his Upper West Side Hudson River view duplex for more than a million bucks less_ then he paid for the place in August 2008. Of course Your Mama dont know an agave from a honey bee so we really cant say if Mister Stiller and his wife Christine Taylor plan to purchase a new home base in Manhattan but we do know, thanks to an assist by the ever-busy Bizzy Boys at _Celebrity Address Aerial,_ that the Stillers and their coupla kids very likely decamped to their sprawling 30-plus acre country spread in serene and bucolically scenic Chappaqua, NY, that they very quietly purchased in September 2010 for exactly $10,000,000. As best as Your Mama can tell, the ten million dollar deal appears to have gone down off market and a careful read of the somewhat convoluted property records suggests Mister and Missus Stiller purchased the gated estate about 40 miles from Midtown Manhattan from a non-famous fellow who acquired it just two years earlier from a somewhat infamous couple named Theodore and Ilona Muldoon. Presumably Mister and Missus Muldoon sold the well outfitted estate after she—a bookkeeper—was convicted in 2007 for embezzling more than fifteen million bucks from her employer. Missus Muldoon, in case you might be curious, was sent to the white collar pokey for half a dozen years and ordered by the judge to pay $15.5 million in restitution for her fraudulent financial activities. Anyways... Listing information that Your Mama managed to dig up from the depths of the interweb from the time the Muldoons sold the landed gentry-style estate to the non-famous fella in late 2008 shows a long, tree-lined driveway sweeps across vast, rolling lawns to a sizable circular drive set into the inside corner of a grand, L-shaped Colonial-style mansion originally built in 1913 and extensively updated in the early Aughts. Listing details shows the main house has—or had at the time of the Stillers acquisition—9 bedrooms and 9 full and 2 half bathrooms in about 10,500 square feet of living space on three floors. Listing information goes on to reveal that both the formal living and dining rooms and the library all have fireplaces and French doors for easy access to the outdoors. Theres a fourth fireplace in the family room that adjoins the butlers pantried kitchen and a fifth fireplace in the extensive master suite that also offers dual dressing room and bathrooms. At the time of the 2008 sale the estate included two two-bedroom guest/staff cottages, a separate carriage house and a barn. Recreational amenities included a fenced-in in-ground swimming pool and pool house, a childrens playground with a public park worthy jungle gym, a tennis court set well away from the house, and a two hole golf course complete with sand traps. Avid celebrity real estate watchers will recall that after trying to sell it as a compound with a $12.5 million asking price Mister and Missus Stiller (fairly) recently sold their two residence compound in the celeb-friendly Outpost Estates neighborhood in Los Angeles (CA) in two separate transactions. The rather fetching Spanish style main house was purchased in August 2011 for $7,325,000 by well-built British action-flick actor Jason Statham and the secondary residence sold the following April (2012) to a not-famous guy for $2,600,000. As far as we know, besides their landed gentry-style spread in Chappaqua, Mister and Missus Stillers property portfolio includes a small, nondescript house in Studio City bought back in 2006 for $1.1 million and an extensive ocean front estate on the north shore of the Hawaiian island of Kauai they picked up for $8.5 million in October 2002. aerial image: Bing

The celebrity real estate gods were smiling on sitcom star Kevin James who sold his sprawling mansion in Encino, CA for $55,000 more than asking in just 38 days. (Trulia Luxe Living) listing photo: The Partners Trust
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Ben Stiller wasnt so lucky as he just sold his New York City duplex digs for a $8,995,000. Thats $605,000 less than his original asking price, $405,000 less than its last asking price of $9.3 million, and a smidgen more than a million clams less_ than the $10,000,000 he and his missus paid for the 4,000 square foot Hudson River view spread in August 2008. (Coop Sales via Curbed) floor plan: Prudential Douglas Elliman
In other New York City celebrity real estate news, Charlotte (NC)-based NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon has pushed his very contemporary three bedroom spread at 15 Central Park West on the market with a $30,000,000 checkered flag. Mister Gorden picked up the 3,454 square foot park view apartment for $9,670,000 back in 2007 and even though he clearly spent a sizable wad doing the place up hes still looking at a very good return on his money. (New York Times) floor plan: Halstead
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Million Dollar Listing_ star Fredrik Eklund—hes the smarmy, lantern-jawed Swedish broker who has a gay porn past thats hes refreshingly unashamed of—has put is own sun-flooded 2,400 square foot loft-style condo in New York Citys Chelsea hood on the market for $3.25 million. Your Mama hears from a tattle tale well call Jimmy Crackcorn that Mister Eklund and his husband—and their fiercely cute little dogs—have already decamped for "a better part of Chelsea," specifically a rental apartment in a fairly new, full service luxury building where studio apartments cost upwards of $3,600 a month and a 1,200 and some square foot two bedroom and two bathroom apartment on a high floor runs $10,000 per month. (Curbed) floor plan: Prudential Douglas Elliman

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And, finally, back on the west coast, those crazy kids at Curbed_ produced a fascinating map of 15 of gazillionaire—and hardcore real estate baller—Larry Ellisons various property holdings in Malibu that all together cost him well over $200,000,000. And lets not forget he also owns—for all intents and purposes—the entire Hawaiian island of Lanai, an historic mansion in Newport, RI, once owned by the Astor family, several multi-residence water front compounds on Lake Tahoe, a massive modern mansion in San Franciscos posh Pacific Heights hood, a vast compound in Woodside, CA, based on an Imperial Japanese royal palace or feudal village (or some such thing), and a 249-acre resort-style estate in Rancho Mirage, CA, with handfuls of guest houses and a private 18 hole golf course with clubhouse. And thats not even the entirety of his personal property holdings. (Curbed) photo: Curbed

SELLER: Ali Landry and Alejandro Monteverde LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA PRICE: $1,925,000 SIZE: 3,700 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Its not so tough to spot a celebrity or "celebrity" owned home when online listings make a point to call it out as "Celebrity Owned." Such is the case with the online marketing materials for a fairly modest if hardly inexpensive Spanish style casa in Los Angeless star-studded Los Feliz community owned by model/actress/entertainment news hostess Ali Landry who shares with her Mexican-born filmmaker husband of six or seven years, Alejandro Monteverde, and listed it this week on the open market with a price tag of $1,995,000. Miz Landry, native of the great state of Loozeeanna, is a brown haired bayou babe turned beauty queen who may have come in 7th at the 1990 Miss Teen USA competition but took home the sash and crown as Miss Louisiana USA in 1995 and, the following year, Miss USA. For several years in the late 1990s she was best known as the wholesome yet smoldering, gymnastically inclined spokeswoman for Doritos brand chips. In 1998 she was named to _People_ magazines 50 Most Beautiful People and she popped up in all her scantily clad physical glory on the 100 Sexiest Women lists for both _FHM_ and _Stuff Magazine_. Her television career picked up a little steam in the late 1990s and early Aughts with recurring roles on _Pensacola: Wings of Gold, Felicity_, and _Eve_. Nowadays, among other mostly ho-hum Showbiz projects, she regularly hosts Tinseltown award show fashion wrap ups for _TV Guide_ and occasionally guest hosts on _E! News. _ Since 2006 shes been married to and making babies with Mexican-born filmmaker Alejandro Monteverde whom she met at a church bible study. The couple have been open—public, really—about their decision to abstain from sex before they were married. Thats really neither here nor there as regards to the real estate matter at hand but it is probably pretty damn unusual in the sexually gluttonous land of Hollywood hook ups and does sort of tie in to a recent interview she gave during which she stated that she and hubby "are seeking to provide more Christian based entertainment projects" such as the direct to DVD _Me Again_ staring Miz Landry, David, A.R. White, and Hollywood holly roller Della Reese. Despite her more than two decades in the Business of Show, Miz Landry is is perhaps still most famous—at least in the snarky eyes of schadenfreude bitten celebrity bloggers and gossip glossy readers—not so much for her professional accomplishments as for her six year relationship and two-week, whiplash marriage to _swahvey_ t.v. personality Mario Lopez in 2004. By her own public account she dumped his meticulously manicured and man-scaped dog-ass due to his inability to keep it in his pants.* Property records show Miz Landry purchased her vintage Spanish casa in the prosperous hills of Los Feliz in January 2004—just before her marriage mistake with Mario Lopez—for $1,099,000. Current listing details show the updated 1927 Spanish residence has a total of four bedrooms and three bathrooms in about about 3,700 square feet. For the record, the L.A. County Tax Man puts the house at 2,781 square feet with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. Make of the discrepancies what you will.
Set a bit above the street the asymmetrical structure visually coalesces at its center where a turret stands next to an elaborately tiled archway that effectively signifies the main entrance and connects through to a tight, partially tiled entry portico. Inside there are cocoa brown hardwood floors, original stained glass windows and vibrant tile detail work, most of which does not appear to be original but—what do we know?—very well may be. A gently coved ceiling provides both a soupçon of grandeur and a feeling of cozy intimacy in the living room where a rustic wood mantelpiece surrounds a wood-burning fireplace with decorative iron screen and French doors provide direct access to an elevated terrace with over-the-tree-tops view. The formal dining room has a wood-paneled ceiling (that we dont particularly care for) and an off-center French door with direct terrace access. A two-tiered antique chandelier effectively apes the overlapping circular shapes in the abstract artwork and lights a rustic farmhouse table topped with a hodgepodge of stone, ceramic and glass _things_. The adjacent kitchen doesnt appear in listing photos to be particularly big but is well equipped with an "eat in island" plus commercial-style range top backed by an extra wide tiled inset arch. The medium brown raised panel cabinetry and the mottled granite counter tops are big snooze for Your Mama but the copper apron front sink is decadent in a way we can appreciate.
The upper level master suite, furnished with a behemoth four-poster bed and settee that appear to consume almost the entire space, has a weirdly pitched ceiling and direct access to a city view veranda. The attached master bathroom is "Moroccan style" according to listing details and also has a slightly cattywompus ceiling. It also has a long sink vanity, a semi-private crapper cubicle, and a free-standing soaking tub set on a stone tile floor in front of a pebble stone-tiled arch-shape punctuated by three smaller, wood-lined arched insets for displaying candles, bubble bath products and other bath time accouterment. Two more family bedrooms share a hall bathroom and a fourth bedroom with private bathroom offers a separate entrance thats perfect for live-in domestic staff and naughty, boundary-crossing house guests—like Your Mamas dear old boozy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau—who have an uncontrollable and prurient tendency to squirrel someone in for an indiscriminate slap and tickle without their host(s) being the wiser. Anyways...
The living and dining room (as well as the kitchen) connect to a spacious and elevated pergola shaded terrace for dining, lounging and barbecuing. A lower level walk out basement family room has white washed brick walls, ashy brown wood floors and bursts at its brick seams with what appear to be a carefully if exuberantly curated and displayed assortment of vintage flea market finds and religious iconography. Listing details show the faux-basement has a fireplace and a wide bank of sliding French doors that open to a compact, plaza-like Mexican-paver tiled terrace with a tiled quarter moon-shaped fountain that does double duty as a spa. We really dont know where Miz Landry and Mister Monteverde plan to move but wed bet both out long-bodied bitches that their desire to move has something to do with their recent announcement that theyre expecting a third child. Mazel tov! *Okay, people, use yer noggins. Miz Landry didnt call him a "dog-ass" say he didnt "keep it in his pants" or otherwise publicly discuss Mister Lopezs obviously laborious grooming habits. Not so far as we know anyways. But she is on record repeatedly saying she kicked Mister Lopez to the curb—or whatever the kids call dumping a dog-ass spouse or trifling baby daddy nowadays—due to his infidelity. listing photos: Keller Williams / Los Feliz

SELLER: Breckin Meyer and Deborah Kaplan LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA PRICE: $2,995,000 SIZE: 4,888 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bedrooms YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It has come to our attention via our nightly online meander through new real estate listings that three time Emmy nominated actor/writer/producer Breckin Meyer and screenwriter Deborah Kaplan have put their family home in Beverly Hills, CA on the market for $2,995,000. Brought up on the mean streets of the Platinum Triangle where he went to elementary school with Drew Barrymore and attended high school at the world famous Beverly Hills High School, Mister Meyer has been shaking his Show Business money maker since he was a teenager when he appeared in a number of commercials and popped up in a handful of t.v. programs including _The Wonder Years_ and _L.A. Law_. The nineties brought a handful of short-lived sit-coms (_The Jackie Thomas Show, The Home Court_), a few forgettable t.v. movies, and a small role in the 1995 sleeper hit comedy movie _Clueless_. Mister Meyer spent the first decade of the Aughts providing a variety of character voices for the animated sitcom _The King of the Hill _and the better part of the last decade writing and pulling dozens of voices on the long- and still-running stop motion animation series _Robot Chicken. _In addition to _Robot Chicken_ Mister Meyer also currently co-stars in the crime-comedy series _Franklin & Bash_ with former child star Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Miz Kaplans professional credits include mostly goofy comedy movies like _A Very Brady Sequel, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Josie and the Pussycats_—which she also directed, and a little holiday-time cinematic ditty called _Surviving Christmas_. Shes listed as a screenwriter for the the upcoming _Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus_ starring Oscar winning cop-sasser Reese Witherspoon. They arent exactly Brad and Angelina in the punishing hierarchy of Hollywood but, make no mistake, they are carrying members of the young Tinseltown establishment. Alas, the sale of their vibrantly dressed residence in the Bev Hills Post Office probably has something to do with their decision last year to go their own ways. Property records show Mister Breckin and Miz Kaplan bought the property in September 2003 for $1,875,000. Thanks to the always informative Brenda Blabsitall the property was formerly owned by Joan Collins during her _Dynasty_ years and before she hightailed it up to a low-slung Buff and Hensman-designed dwelling bove Coldwater Canyon that was later owned by Jerry Herman, Max Mutchnick, Ellen Degeneres and now Ryan Seacrest. High hedged and double gated on a typically narrow canyon road deep and high the mountains above Beverly Hills and the Sunset Strip, the architecturally pastiche-d, prairie house-ish center hall traditional abode sits on a rustic stone plinth with stucco and clapboard siding. Listing details show the somewhat low-slung two story house was originally built in 1936, anchors a one-third acre parcel that slopes steeply at its eastern back, and contains a total of five bedrooms and six bathrooms in 4,888 square feet of fully renovated, updated and upgraded interior space. The quirky decorative tone for the public rooms of the Meyer-Kaplan micro-manse* is set—as it should be—right inside the front door in the elegantly proportioned entrance hall where the erstwhile couple or their lady or nice-gay decorator flanked a Chinoiserie-style bamboo console catch-all with an acoustic guitar _and_ a bongo drum. We know that Mister Meyer is musically inclined and has played in a number of punk and rock bands over the years but an acoustic guitar _and_ a bongo drum right inside the front door just seems a little to, well, aggressive to Your Mama but who cares, right? The almost unrestrained _whimsy_ hinted at in the foyer really takes hold into the spacious formal living room where one seating area with a fanciful oculus faces a fireplace and fearlessly marries a bevy of idiosyncratic furnishings such as a Moroccan pouf, a deer antler chandelier; a green ceramic elephant stool, a vintage-looking woven basket that looks African or maybe Native American, and a pair of tufted wing back chairs swaddled in what appears to be but may or may not be white leather. All that and a brazenly graphic David Hicksian-patterned rug in dark brown and eggshell white. Its a lot, but its feasty for for the eyes even if it crosses your personal decorative boundaries. The other end of the room has two chunky yet sleek and masculine armchairs covered in delicious looking caramel colored leather that stand in tense, contemporary opposition to a decidedly campy, zebra stripe upholstered Louis the Something style settee. Two walls of of wood-framed glass doors expose the room to light and the backyard. The decorative excitement flowers into its full high-camp fruit in the adjoining dining room that has an exposed wood ceiling that is both peaked and dramatically high. A second wacky-cool oculus sits off-center in a wall muraled or otherwise papered with a tree pattern that skews to an Asian vibe. Atop the massive carved stone mantelpiece of the off-center fireplace stands—your eyeballs do not deceive thee, children—a fully feathered stuffed peacock. Who knew anyone besides Your Mamas Step Momma and Big Daddy had a full-on taxidermy peacock on display up in their house? But we digress... Things get a little more stylistically ordinary and even outdated in the center island eat-in kitchen thats expensively outfitted with high grade commercial-style appliances but still slathered in (passé) black granite counter tops and ringed by pale, raised panel wood cabinets that dont quite extend to the ceiling but do have (disturbingly) elaborate cornices. Its not, by far, the cookery of Your Mama and The Dr. Cooters domestic dreams, but its a workable size for renovation and we do appreciate all the childrens artwork framed and hung salon-style in the breakfast area. For better and/or worse, cooler and less kitchy decorative heads prevailed in the family room, a generously sized space with an all earth tone palette, a massive micro-suede sectional sofa, a pair of Mad Men-era arm chairs in cocoa brown leather, and a big ol built in wet bar long enough to accommodate three fat-assed booze hounds in a trio of upholstered and padded bar stools with stable backrests. The reasonably roomy second floor master bedroom has a private deck that overlooks the backyard and, although barely decorated at all, is all done in a variety of shades of mushroom, khaki, camel, and biscuit. The attached bathroom is spacious and (almost) all marble with a glass enclosed steam shower and separate soaking tub. The walk-in closet is, as per listing details "fabulous." The lower level of the back of the house opens up to outdoor leisure and entertaining spaces that include some flagstone terracing that extends underfoot into a large shaded porch nestled into the slope under the master bedroom deck. The terraces give way to a small but flat patch of grass where, somehow, the Meyer-Kaplans managed to refrain from erecting an embarrassingly expensive jungle gym for their young daughter. One of those grim but necessary child safety fences awkwardly divides the aforementioned areas of the backyard from the swimming pool that is ringed by flagstone terracing. On the far side of the pool, a pergola shaded dining pavilion looks nice for al fresco dining even it is a long way from the kitchen and a long and shallow, east facing loggia thats punctuated by two more street-facing oculi creates a welcomed swathe of poolside shade in the scorch of typical southern California summertime afternoons. We dont know where either of this former couple have gone or will go but divorce aint easy and we wish them a smooth road...for the childrens sake, you know? Anyways... *For our purposes, today, we estimate and designate the size range of a micro-manse at about 3,500-6,000 square feet. Anything above 6,000 square feet but under about 9,000 square feet is a mini-mansion and anything in excess of 10,000 square feet is just a plain ol mansion. listing photos: Teles Properties